Lots of buzzing about support on FB, Twitter etc at the moment, so here is my take on it.
Support, support, support. That is what the background noise to my home visits were. One visit, we spent the whole of the visit, so around 2 hrs, with my social worker writing down the names of nearly everbody in my address book, ages of children and what level of support I thought they would give. This was a very long and brainexhausting morning – she seriously expected me to remember the ages (to the month, thankfully not day) of the children of my friends. And any strange sounding names I had to spell for her. It took forever, and was, to that degree of quizzing, ridiculous.
And what was even funnier was when I was allowed to read the list through, she had spelt ‘Eleanor’ (I know several) differently each time. So, my spelling was clearly not necessary.
Then the questions – let’s take ‘Sarah’ (this makes it anonymous, I have 11 in my phone list!’. Could you call her in the middle of the night. Would you trust her with your child. Could you talk to her about issues. Would she help in an emergency. And so it went on. In the end, I am pretty sure my flippancy fell out with a ‘if it was an emergency any of my friends would help – that is why I call them friends’. Didn’t help. She still continued my ‘friendship quiz’.
Being a single adopter, they obviously take the support group issue, and possible health issues seriously.
And I can of course see why.
My list was long and varied. Friends, family, bosses, exbosses, school friends, college friends, the Asda man…… But when Bonzo moved in, was when the real test of support began.
Support comes in all shapes and sizes, none is better or more useful than others, but some is definitely tastier…..
In the very early days a box of cakes arrived – nothing could’ve been a better boost than a box of cakes to open together, eat together & enjoy together. (thank you, you know who you are!)
(ok, maybe I should have helped more with the opening bit)
One friend started saving all her son’s out grown clothes, bikes, toys, dvds – everything – again, support that I wasn’t expecting but that makes a huge difference.
One friend & family has given us more support than I could ever describe – I know if we fled there now, the door would be opened with a smile, dinner would be cooked, wine would be opened and Bonzo would be happy. (ok, they might be a bit surprised, but I’ll text ahead)
One old boss continues to provide support for us in many imaginative ways. The children unconditionally love Bonzo, and he loves them. She is even kind enough to lend me her children from time to time, which ensures peace for sometime!
Another friend texted frequently, took us out for lunch, and immediately accepted Bonzo as part of my family, and therefore as someone she would support. Again, I know if I turned up on her doorstep, no questions would be asked. Other than if we were hungry. (and she makes some great ‘bricks’!)
As we ventured out into life in the village and I began telling people that Bonzo was adopted, people were generally supportive and I have made some good friends through the local toddler group & church.
One of my old charges grandparents phoned to ask if they could be ‘Bonzo’s other grandparents’. I managed not to cry, and gratefully accepted that extra bit of love for him. They never forget a birthday/Christmas/Easter and have more photos of Bonzo up on the fridge than my ex charge ( and it was her that counted, not me!)
Then of course we have the friends that we met during the prep groups. I made a couple of very good friends and when all the children were placed so did Bonzo. Although we have moved away, we still try as much as possible to meet up with them and whilst the children play we can talk. Support is mutual. Explanation isn’t necessary. And funnily enough we laugh alot together. Perhaps that is what keeps us sane. Laughter.
Then the flip side of the coin. A couple of friends disappeared almost overnight. Friends who were very much top of my support list, to be quite frank, buggered off, and haven’t really appeared since. I will never know why. Perhaps don’t want to know why. But it is something we were warned about in preparation groups – just not something I imagined happening.
So, that is friends.
Support also comes from family. Aunt S, Unc S have been supportive beyond belief. Including, when moving was necessary, encouraging me to move less than a mile from them. (ok, this works both ways, we can support each other.) Seeing Bonzo love his cousins is just the best, and I think in time, they will be a vital part of his support network.
And of course my parents and Unc J. Though they don’t really get it. From the start my parents took Bonzo into the family with unconditional love, support and of course gifts of tat. Unc J took a bit longer to be convinced about the adoption idea, but once Bonzo was with us, he stepped up to being a fantastic Uncle.
These days of course we have support from outside sources.
Preschool were fantastic. Small, friendly, supportive, helpful. Everything Bonzo needed to set him on his way.
School continue to be supportive. They are at worst brilliant and at best go beyond the call of duty. Though there are bits they don’t grasp, they listen, learn & do. (generally, still working on the photo bit!)
Camh have provided alot of support, guidance and ideas.
Doctors have been great. (especially the GP that told Camh what to do about referrals), my most recent boss was great (and as head of Senco, a useful source of info!)
So, in this wonderful network of support who is missing.
Yes, you’ve guessed.
Social Services. The level of support that I have had from pre adoption and post adoption support has been pants. (and I am not including here the fact they gave my contact details to birth family, that was a mistake, but doesn’t influence my thoughts (much)).
When Bonzo moved in, visits were done to the legal minimum. 10 weeks to the day that he walked through my door (the minimum) the papers to legalise the adoption arrived. No extra visits, no asking how it was going, no probing that bit deeper.Then when we had to move and Bonzo’s problems began to intensify, not an single iota of support. They wouldn’t communicate with our new LA, they wouldn’t finance any support (hence the GP having to give referrals), and as Bonzos IAD gets worse they still won’t help.
I have all but given up.
My newly allocated PAS worker has done more in her one visit than they have managed in nearly 4 years.
So, now I see why they go on and on and on about support. (because they clearly aren’t going to give any, best get it from somewhere else).
And before I go, best I say ‘thank you’ to all those who have supported, continue to support (importantly including all folk on Twitter!) and if I haven’t mentioned you, please don’t disappear (or take it personally!) your support has been much appreciated as well!
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