Mr Carefree #memorybox

As happy and carefree as life ever gets for Bonzo. Not sure if he will remember the exhiliration he felt rolling down the hill, or the effort required to climb back up!

An update of an old post. Insecure Attachment – not just words for us.

With a big meeting in a few hours to sort Bonzo’s future, I have just been reading though old blogs. This one I wrote a year ago today (strange, but true!).

The bits in red are the bits I have added today. An interesting comparison of how things have moved on. Or not. (and to be quite frank, probably not as interesting for you as for me!).

The red bits are the updated comments.

June 14th 2012

“I have been googling. I probably shouldn’t have been. It is never a wise idea.

However, I did find some useful information – both causes of and symptoms of attachment disorder. In all my reading (masses – feel free to borrow books!), it is rare,  I think, to find stuff written in simple terms – simple enough (and I don’t mean this in relation to intellect) for those who aren’t living it, to grasp. Believe me, this is rare. ‘Oh, my ‘little angelic darling’ does that’ is a comment that will leave most adoptive parents reeling.

So – lets start with the causes (taken from http://www.helpguide.org)

• A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.
• A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.
• No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.
• A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.
• A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.
• Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.
• The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.
• A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

Now I am not going to point out which of these Bonzo has suffered in his first couple of years. Suffice to say – suffer he did.

So – for the checklist – a long list of symptoms – some apply to Bonzo, many don’t.

1. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.  At the moment this doesn’t seem an issue. He has his moments but few & far between. Occasionally now kicks out, has bitten me once.
2. My child can’t keep friends for an age-appropriate length of time. Bit early to tell. He has made a few friends – he does though get very hyper – as he gets older this may get worse, or hopefully it will get better. This seems to be going ok. His play is immature, but he seems to have a few friends.
3. My child doesn’t do as well in school as my child could do even with a little more effort. I think this is true to a degree. Not academically, but just ‘fitting in’ and remembering routine is hard. This is now beginning to show. Bonzo is finding it very difficult to concentrate on anything. In Class R it is fine, let’s see what happens in Class 1
4. My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me, in which case my child can be affectionate and engaging. This has improved a lot recently. Cuddling is more cuddly when he requests it, but he will now accept cuddles randomnly. No change here.
5. My child argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things. - oh yes, and he is still preschool. Can’t wait for the teens. Ah, a great improvement – he can now argue far more efficiently and for longer periods.
6. My child has a large need to control everything. Not always, and not as much as he used to. It is a sure sign for me of when he is worried. This comes and goes. The more anxious, the more controlling. It is though, controlable. ha ha ha
7. My child is hyper-vigilant. Hyper, hyper, hyper, hyper vigilant. That was hyper vigilant! Interestingly this was commented on yesterday by a  student teacher. ‘oh Bonzo, you notice just everything’
8. My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren’t really bad or a problem when caught doing something wrong. Can’t act, or at the moment lie. Phew. He is working on the innocent look.
9. My child does dangerous things such as runs away, jumps out of windows, or other potentially harmful actions. My child seems oblivious to the fact that my child may be hurt. Good grief, thankfully not, on all counts. Still, no.
10. My child deliberately breaks or ruins his things or other’s things. No. Started screwing things up when cross. Shame I haven’t got an iron.
11. My child doesn’t seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong. Doesn’t seem to feel age appropriate anything. Perhaps age appropriate for a 3 year old – he has had almost 3 years of security & love. Don’t know.
12. My child is impulsive. My child seems unable or unwilling to stop doing something my child wants to do. No Depends on the situation. Finds it difficult to stop an activity he is enjoying, but not really a problem.
13. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals. No – if I ignore the ball that was flung at the rabbit earlier. The rabbit is still in one piece.
14. My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unbelievable, unusual, or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things. No – don’t think so – anyone lost anything?
15. My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked. No
16. My child doesn’t seem to learn from mistakes, consequences, or punishments (my child continues the behavior despite the consequences). We have seen a huge improvement in this. He really does try hard to be ‘good’. He really does try to be good. Behaviour isn’t the issue as much as controlling emotions & moods.
17. My child makes false reports of abuse or neglect. My child tries to get sympathy from others, or tries to get us in trouble, by telling others that I abuse, don’t feed, or don’t provide the basic necessities. No
18. My child seems not to experience pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort. From friends that Tweet this is really common in adopted children. Bonzo would rather eat through the pain of tonsillitis than tell me his throat hurts. Ah, no difference here. Will whinge for hours about a non scratch, and blank out anything that obviously hurts.
19. My child does not usually ask for things. My child demands things. He asks for most things, beautifully and politely. More demanding now, but then he is also more knowing of things that can be demanded.
20. My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth. Occasionally, but in this case I think it is just normal behaviour.
21. My child is quite bossy with other children and adults. Er, yes.
22. My child hoards, sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw sugar, non-food items, package mixes, baker’s chocolate, etc.) Doesn’t hoard or sneak, but eats every meal as though it’s his first and last.
23. My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child. The better he knows someone the less Bonzo looks at them. Eye contact is still something we work on. ‘I need eyes’ is something I say alot.
24. My child has extended temper tantrums. Compared to who? Longer than some, shorter than others. A skill he is developing. Longer and louder.
25. My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking. This is one of the biggest signs in Bonzo. He can even talk more than me. And he certainly asks questions repeatedly, normally until I scream and go to lie down in a darkened room. ‘Please, Bonzo, be quiet, just for a second’. I long for a day with no incessant chatter and questioning.
26. My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant attention). Not accident prone, not really a moaner. More accident prone, but more adventurous too – tend to go hand in hand. So far we have avoided casualty.
27. My child acts cute or charming to get others to do what my child wants. He is cute & charming, isn’t he? ha ha
28. My child is overly friendly with strangers. Certainly sociable with strangers. Recent events are easily shared.
29. My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire. NO Hates fires, won’t go near them.
30. My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).  Bonzo gets tv on a Friday. Yes, I know, I’m old fashioned, but I can’t stand kids tv. Well, some of it is ok – The Flumps were a classic. Watches less tv than ever, and rarely asks for it.
31. My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.  Yes, to both.
32. My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life. No
33. My child was adopted after the age of twelve months. Yes

But, as my last (and all) adoption blog tried to state. We have improvement, we have acheivement. But hopefully these lists go a little way to helping you (and me) understand how everyday life can be a struggle for children with Insecure Attachment Disorder. It’s not just a few strange words. For us, it’s a way of life.

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Food Glorious Food…… #waso

Bonzo = food = Bonzo = food……

Never has such a spindly child had the capacity to eat so much.Bonzo will eat anything and everything, including at the moment, the insides of his own cheeks and anything random he finds on the floor.

Now whilst I realise that this is probably better than the opposite problem which many adopted children have of not eating anything, it does have his own problems.

Firstly – he eats every meal like it is his first and last. We invariably eat together, but if I nip back to the kitchen to get something, it is quite likely his plate will be half empty before I am back (and I do not live in a mansion, we are talking 10 steps return journey).

Meals & snacks are security for Bonzo. If we go somewhere for the day, I always take snacks and a lunch for him, even if we are eating in a cafe, as then he knows we have food with us. The first thing I have to do on arrival somewhere is point out where cafes, snack bars etc are and reassure him food is available (although I rarely buy it, he knows it is there). Bonzo has never voiced his concerns about not having food, it is as ever me piecing bits of a very random jigsaw together.

The more anxious he gets, the more he will eat. If he is at a party (high anxiety) he will stand by the table eating until I physically remove him. Probably screaming for more.

It has it’s funny(ish) side too – he often proudly shows me that he got a sticker for ‘eating all my lunch’ at school. He probably eats all his lunch (and any scraps on the floor) before anyone else has sat down. Yesterday at a picnic with his cousins, he had finished his 4 savoury ‘bites’ before I had given them to Pickle & Pop. Now, perhaps I should serve them first, but then we would have instant meltdown as Bonzo would panic he was being left out.

Where all this food goes is anyones guess. There is not an oz (or gram) of fat on him, you can count his ribs from afar and he is below average height for his age. I suspect his nervous energy burns it off. And if talking burns up calories, then that is the answer!

However, out of all Bonzo’s quirks, this is a minor one. Food is easy to provide, we can sometimes (not always) laugh about it, and most of what he eats is healthy, so I don’t need to worry, but…………… for those that can’t imagine what a 5yr old can eat – here is a meal out a few weeks ago. Every last mouthful was eaten – plus nibbles and ‘after dessert sweets’.

His starter (already had nibbles)

Main course.

Pudding.

#silentsunday (almost – can’t help but add a few words!)

We watched this sunset together over the weekend. Truly beautiful.

Treasured Memories…….. #waso

Treasured memories, lots and lots to choose from but one that stands out the most is a very clear memory from our early days together.

I had taken Bonzo to a local park (park is understatement, large area of land owned by the Queen), for us both to get some fresh air and to reduce my increasing cabin fever.

At first Bonzo (who I don’t think had ever been in a big open green space before) held my hand, then he tentatively let go. Then he ran. To the leaves. Then he picked up the leaves and started throwing them, again and again and again.

A really normal activity for most 2 year olds. But a magical moment for Bonzo.

 

 

Back to normal (our normal)

A few weeks ago I blogged about Bonzo and his general regression. (see here).

After a continuing couple of weeks of extremes – extremely cross, extremely emotional, extremely extreme, on Saturday, mid bike race he started to lose control of his emotion. Although not especially what I wanted it is good, as I know it is the start of him blurting out what has been going on in his mind. ( I am pretty sure it is also what gave him the power to speed to a great 6th position in his under 8s bike race!). And if he has to start screaming at me, then I guess a large outside area with lots of noisy boys is as good a place as any!

So, as predicted, and expected, though not wanted (by me), it has been the worry about going into school on his own that has caused all this.

Walking into the classroom without me has been enough of a challenge for him for us to return to meltdown city.

After bike club, and once Bonzo had calmed enough we talked about what was going on. I ‘wondered’ if going into school without me was too much. ‘yes’ he sobbed, ‘I can’t do it anymore’. Ok. Time to take action. Again.

With a ‘hello, it’s me again’ grin on my face & holding Bonzo’s hand I walked him into school on Monday morning and spoke quietly with Mrs Black. She sent me to see Mrs D who as ever, was courteous, caring (patted me on my shoulder and asked how I was!) and asked me to hang on a few minutes whilst she did the register and she would come for a chat. What she probably wanted to say was ‘oh for heaven’s sake, now what’.

So, we chatted, I explained more, she said how tricky it was for her to think of ways to help him when she just has a reasonably settled, but anxious and hyper little boy in school. I appreciate this is difficult, and she again, showed full support and said that ‘this by no way means that we don’t believe you, we will do anything we can to help him’. Great.

Once again, Mrs D agreed to my suggestions and had some of her own. As of Tuesday, I have been taking Bonzo into school through the office and directly in to the classroom, 2 minutes before they open the door to let the masses in. Each day either Mrs D or Mrs Black have come and taken him from me, with a cheery ‘Morning Bonzo’ and a hand to hold. I sneak back out the way I arrived, and then the others pour in.

I have also upped my presence in the school in general. Volunteering to do any jobs that are asked. That way Bonzo can see me floating around. This week has been sorting out a PTA cupboard, being CRBd (for the umpteenth time) and manning the bookstall.

All has combined to make for a happier week. Bonzo’s shoulders have returned to the normal position, he has enjoyed rehearsing for his assembly, and is happily reading lots at home to get ‘stamps’ on his school bookmark. All good, normal stuff.

Not sure I would ever describe our family life as normal. But for now it is our normal – and that will do nicely.

Early days #WASO

A photographic glimpse of our early days as a family.

All taken in the first few months.

Our first moments alone together.

Exploring the local woods.

 

Puddle jumping fun.

A first trip to soft play.

Getting to grips with Duplo.

Plane spotting at a local airport.

Support (not always where you expect it)

Lots of buzzing about support on FB, Twitter etc at the moment, so here is my take on it.

Support, support, support. That is what the background noise to my home visits were. One visit, we spent the whole of the visit, so around 2 hrs, with my social worker writing down the names of nearly everbody in my address book, ages of children and what level of support I thought they would give. This was a very long and brainexhausting morning – she seriously expected me to remember the ages (to the month, thankfully not day) of the children of my friends. And any strange sounding names I had to spell for her. It took forever, and was, to that degree of quizzing, ridiculous.

And what was even funnier was when I was allowed to read the list through, she had spelt ‘Eleanor’ (I know several) differently each time. So, my spelling was clearly not necessary.

Then the questions – let’s take ‘Sarah’ (this makes it anonymous, I have 11 in my phone list!’. Could you call her in the middle of the night. Would you trust her with your child. Could you talk to her about issues. Would she help in an emergency. And so it went on. In the end, I am pretty sure my flippancy fell out with a ‘if it was an emergency any of my friends would help – that is why I call them friends’. Didn’t help. She still continued my ‘friendship quiz’.

Being a single adopter, they obviously take the support group issue, and possible health issues seriously.

And I can of course see why.

My list was long and varied. Friends, family, bosses, exbosses, school friends, college friends, the Asda man…… But when Bonzo moved in, was when the real test of support began.

Support comes in all shapes and sizes, none is better or more useful than others, but some is definitely tastier…..

In the very early days a box of cakes arrived – nothing could’ve been a better boost than a box of cakes to open together, eat together & enjoy together. (thank you, you know who you are!)

(ok, maybe I should have helped more with the opening bit)

One friend started saving all her son’s out grown clothes, bikes, toys, dvds – everything – again, support that I wasn’t expecting but that makes a huge difference.

One friend & family has given us more support than I could ever describe – I know if we fled there now, the door would be opened with a smile, dinner would be cooked, wine would be opened and Bonzo would be happy. (ok, they might be a bit surprised, but I’ll text ahead)

One old boss continues to provide support for us in many imaginative ways. The children unconditionally love Bonzo, and he loves them. She is even kind enough to lend me her children from time to time, which ensures peace for sometime!

Another friend texted frequently, took us out for lunch, and immediately accepted Bonzo as part of my family, and therefore as someone she would support. Again, I know if I turned up on her doorstep, no questions would be asked. Other than if we were hungry. (and she makes some great ‘bricks’!)

As we ventured out into life in the village and I began telling people that Bonzo was adopted, people were generally supportive and I have made some good friends through the local toddler group & church.

One of my old charges grandparents phoned to ask if they could be ‘Bonzo’s other grandparents’. I managed not to cry, and gratefully accepted that extra bit of love for him. They never forget a birthday/Christmas/Easter and have more photos of Bonzo up on the fridge than my ex charge ( and it was her that counted, not me!)

Then of course we have the friends that we met during the prep groups. I made a couple of very good friends and when all the children were placed so did Bonzo. Although we have moved away, we still try as much as possible to meet up with them and whilst the children play we can talk. Support is mutual. Explanation isn’t necessary. And funnily enough we laugh alot together. Perhaps that is what keeps us sane. Laughter.

Then the flip side of the coin. A couple of friends disappeared almost overnight. Friends who were very much top of my support list, to be quite frank, buggered off, and haven’t really appeared since. I will never know why. Perhaps don’t want to know why. But it is something we were warned about in preparation groups – just not something I imagined happening.

So, that is friends.

Support also comes from family. Aunt S, Unc S have been supportive beyond belief. Including, when moving was necessary, encouraging me to move less than a mile from them. (ok, this works both ways, we can support each other.) Seeing Bonzo love his cousins is just the best, and I think in time, they will be a vital part of his support network.

And of course my parents and Unc J. Though they don’t really get it. From the start my parents took Bonzo into the family with unconditional love, support and of course gifts of tat. Unc J took a bit longer to be convinced about the adoption idea, but once Bonzo was with us, he stepped up to being a fantastic Uncle.

These days of course we have support from outside sources.

Preschool were fantastic. Small, friendly, supportive, helpful. Everything Bonzo needed to set him on his way.

School continue to be supportive. They are at worst brilliant and at best go beyond the call of duty. Though there are bits they don’t grasp, they listen, learn & do. (generally, still working on the photo bit!)

Camh have provided alot of support, guidance and ideas.

Doctors have been great. (especially the GP that told Camh what to do about referrals), my most recent boss was great (and as head of Senco, a useful source of info!)

So, in this wonderful network of support who is missing.

Yes, you’ve guessed.

Social Services. The level of support that I have had from pre adoption and post adoption support has been pants. (and I am not including here the fact they gave my contact details to birth family, that was a mistake, but doesn’t influence my thoughts (much)).

When Bonzo moved in, visits were done to the legal minimum. 10 weeks to the day that he walked through my door (the minimum) the papers to legalise the adoption arrived. No extra visits, no asking how it was going, no probing that bit deeper.Then when we had to move and Bonzo’s problems began to intensify, not an single iota of support. They wouldn’t communicate with our new LA, they wouldn’t finance any support (hence the GP having to give referrals), and as Bonzos IAD gets worse they still won’t help.

I have all but given up.

My newly allocated PAS worker has done more in her one visit than they have managed in nearly 4 years.

So, now I see why they go on and on and on about support. (because they clearly aren’t going to give any, best get it from somewhere else).

And before I go, best I say ‘thank you’ to all those who have supported, continue to support (importantly including all folk on Twitter!) and if I haven’t mentioned you, please don’t disappear (or take it personally!) your support has been much appreciated as well!

 

#silentsunday

Silent Sunday

#silentsunday