adopt and keep calm

my little adopted boy and me.

Loss #waso

on October 11, 2013

Loss – it’s a very big, much used word in the world of adoption.

Loss is discussed in the preparation groups.

Loss is discussed in the home study.

Loss is mentioned all the time, for very good reason.

I have suffered some loss in my life. The first big loss was my middle brother being killed, our family dog died when I was 19 – for 17 years of my life he had shadowed my every move, as an adult my grandparents died. At school a good friend died very suddenly and as an adult a good friend died very suddenly too. I suffered these losses though from a stable happy upbringing. I was a confident child from a happy home – I had a sound base to help me through in a healthy way.

But nothing compares to the loss that most of our adoptive children suffer before and during adoption.

Bonzo is no exception.

He has suffered the loss of many people, and though most of the losses are for very good reasons, they also explain much of the behaviour that I still get.

Today, he was collected from school by a good friend. As I collected him and went to give him a kiss he violently jerked away, ran off laughing hysterically and told me he wasn’t coming home. He then started hollering at me various insults and being generally horrible. My friend rescued this by firmly telling him to get his coat on and took the control (lack of) from me. In the car he was Mr Nice Guy. At home we had tears. ‘What was all that about Bonzo?’ ‘I didn’t think you would ever come back’.

That is loss. The everyday fear that I am going to disappear. I had written down todays routine for him, I had assured him I would collect him before tea, I had told him where I was and what I was doing, I had prepared him in every imagineable way. But still he didn’t believe I would come back.

But I guess when you have lived with and been removed from birth parents, birth family, a mother & baby unit, another mother & baby unit, foster carers, then it haunts you forever. Not to mention the number of social workers that have been involved then disappeared, and physical things – new homes, new cars, new toys, new clothes, new smells, new foods – all meaning a great big loss of what he was used to.

So loss is big, and it effects to a lesser or greater degree our children – and it effects them forever.

 

 

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7 responses to “Loss #waso

  1. Sally says:

    Very touching post, you write so well. Hope Bonzo comes to learn that you’ll always be there for him.

  2. This brought a tear to my eye. Do they ever learn to believe that this is forever? What has been the experience of other families whose adopted children are now older?

  3. Three Pink Diamonds says:

    This post sums up loss clearly. I agree that to some degree or another the loss will effect our children in one way or another. All we can hope and pray for is that our love, support and empathy can help them through the hard times.

  4. Jo Laybourn says:

    Wow, a very powerful post! Thought provoking too! So glad you were able to talk about his feelings.

  5. mama undone says:

    Very poignant post highlighting an issue that many overlook. Many people view adopted children as gaining a family and forget their losses and the impact of them.

  6. A touching post and a poignant reminder of the legacy that precedes many adoptions. I’m pleased your friend was able to help in the moment and that Bonzo was able to open up afterwards.

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